My therapist recommended that I try to remember the cases of abuse and associate them with my feelings at the time. I have PTSD as a result of my toxic marriage, and crippling anxiety and an inability to trust. My therapist thought that, if I were to associate my feelings with the correct memories, that maybe it would be helpful to my current relationship.
The first incident of physical abuse that I remember was being punched in the street of Yokosuka, Japan. I was visiting my husband of 3 months, who was stationed there. I felt fearful of him and what might happen to me. I felt confused because this man said that he loved me, but he just physically assaulted me. I felt betrayed -- here I was, completely isolated in a foreign country, visiting the man I loved, and he betrayed me. All I wanted in that moment was to get away from him. Later, I didn't want to get him in trouble. I was hurt -- both emotionally and physically -- by the person that I loved. I remember when we got back to the hotel, I tried to communicate with someone at the front desk, but he wouldn't let me. I went to the public women's restroom to try to get away from him, but he stood by the door so that I couldn't leave. I couldn't get help. My phone didn't work in a foreign country and besides, I had no one to call because I was almost 7,000 miles away from home. I felt stuck and hopeless. Somehow, I ended up back in our hotel room upstairs. I laid in the bathroom floor and sobbed. I prayed to God to help me because I felt so hopeless and trapped. He told me, "There is no god." I felt like I was in complete shock that the man that I married was this monster that was standing over me.
Fast forward.
That first incident occurred in December of 2013. The next incident that I remember was in October of 2015. This was because a dear friend of mine told me that she was upset by the way that my husband was speaking to me at our Halloween Party that we hosted for friends. She told me that her husband was so upset by it that he wanted to leave the party. I can't exactly remember what my husband was saying to me, but I remember that he was upset that I bought the wrong kind of hot dogs and that the Jell-O shots were all eaten before he had a chance to get very many. My friend told me that he was also putting me down for the housework not being up to par. After the Halloween party, she told me how she felt and it was the first time that I realized that my husband was emotionally abusive. I felt really disassociated with the situation and and I still feel that way to this day. I may have been mentally blocking out what he was saying to me in order to protect myself.
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