Defining Narcissim

For you to even begin to understand what it is that I went through as a domestic violence survivor, I think that it is first important for me to explain the type of abuse that I experienced.  I was not aware that I was being manipulated in the beginning of my relationship, like so many other women.  That's why this is so important to me—women need to know the warning signs before they get sucked into a hole that they can't crawl out of.  Without the help of my closest friends, I fear that I would still be at that bottom of that deep, dark hole—in the fetal position, too beaten down to even attempt to claw my way out.

It wasn't until my third year of marriage that I was introduced to the terms narcissist, narcissistic abuse, and narcissism.  A colleague of mine was going through a divorce and she shared her experiences with me.  I remember listening to her and thinking, "Oh my God, this is my life."  I immediately did all of the research that I could—I read all of the articles and books that I could find and I joined an online support group for victims of narcissistic abuse.

In the online support group, people shared their stories.  I couldn't believe what I was reading.  I could have sworn that they had been in my home, seen exactly what I saw, or maybe they were married to the same man.  The patterns were surreal.  Once I started to gain a little self-empowerment, I started to make my own posts in the group.  I shared stories and videos of what was happening to me, and these people supported me, and helped me off of the ground of that deep, dark, lifeless hole that I was in.  It was here that I "met" a great friend, who went through almost exactly what I was going through.  She shared her story with me and this is what gave me the knowledge and self-confidence to begin to stand up for myself.

What you need to know about a narcissist is...

They lack empathy.
They do not have the neurological capacity to care for other people.  You may think that they care about you because, in the beginning of the relationship, they love bomb you—they make you the center of their world, dote on you, and treat you like an absolute queen.  They put you on a pedestal  in order to brainwash you.  When things go awry—and they will—you will blame yourself.  You'll think, "It was so wonderful in the beginning; what did I do to cause him to treat me this way?"  It's nothing you did.  He never truly cared about you in the first place.  He only showed you affection as a tool for manipulation.  He only wants to control you and this is the surefire way.

They feel entitled.
They have an inflamed sense of self-importance and an extreme amount of arrogance.  Narcissists believe that they are always right and will always have an excuse, or a scapegoat, for their behavior.  They will blame you for all of the problems in their life, because nothing can ever be their fault.  They refuse to take responsibility for their actions.  When you confront them about the abuse, they will turn it around on you and make you believe that you are responsible for their actions.  "You make me this way," he'd say—and I'd believe him.

"The narcissist inflicts pain and abuse on others. He devalues Sources of Supply, callously and off-handedly abandons them, and discards people, places, partnerships, and friendships unhesitatingly. Sudden shifts between sadism and altruism, abuse and 'love,' ignoring and caring, abandoning and clinging, viciousness and remorse, the harsh and the tender—are, perhaps, the most difficult to comprehend and accept.  These swings produce in people around the narcissist emotional insecurity, an eroded sense of self worth, fear, stress, and anxiety ('walking on eggshells').  Gradually, emotional paralysis ensues and they come to occupy the same emotional wasteland inhabited by the narcissist, his prisoners and hostages in more ways that one—and even when he is long out of their life." (Sam Vaknin, Other People's Pain).

Reading this article allowed me to see that the pain that I was experiencing was not only real, but that it made sense to feel the way that I did.  The violent and sudden shifts between moods and states of being were all too real in my marriage, and I was often left to wonder what it was that I did.  For years, I thought that I was worthless.  I was so stressed and emotional because of what I was experiencing in my marriage that I went to the doctor and requested medication for my anxiety and depression.  I was completely and totally miserable, and then—all of a sudden—I was nothing.  I felt nothing.  In order to protect myself, I subconsciously became completely emotionally paralyzed.  I was an emotionless zombie for the last few months before I finally left.  I will probably always struggle with my own security in my emotions, having experienced this emotional abuse.  I'm continuing to educate myself in how to heal and recover post-trauma.  I'm currently a work-in-progress, but I'll get there.