There is a lot that I want to say and it's difficult for me to place all of these things into the order in which to say them. You see, it's because I have what they call trauma brain; as a direct result of the prolonged abuse, my brain has trouble putting the events of the past few years of my life in sequential order. I forget things and that is incredibly frustrating when you live in a society that demands proof of you being abused.
Through the past few months, I have striven to do all of the research and reading that I can about domestic violence so that I can start the process to healing. In my research I've found that there are typically four stages.
1. Charm
In the beginning of my relationship, everything seemed great. I felt extremely loved and doted on. I felt like I was a queen. Sure, we bickered, and I could sense that he was headstrong, but it was nothing that I was concerned about because he love bombed me to no end. I was convinced that I was smart, funny, and that I was the best thing to ever happen to him. He boosted my ego. Then, he tore it down.
2. Isolate
I moved away from my friends and family. I quit my job that I loved. I left everything behind to be with him because I thought that marriage meant sacrifice. Little did I know that this was not only a way to trap me physically, but financially and psychologically as well.
3. Threaten
It didn't take long after moving in with him before he was introducing the threat of violence. He got a gun and convinced me that it was for "protection," but, really, it was a message for me. He carried it on him nearly at all times. It made me uncomfortable, to say the least. I would ask him to leave it at home and he would insist on bringing it with him.
The first physical attack was three months after we had gotten married. I was visiting him in Japan for Christmas. We were running late getting back to the base by curfew because he had accidentally put us on the wrong train. We were running back to base and I ran too fast or too far ahead of him and he punched me in the middle of the street. I was stunned. When he got back to the hotel and I tried to get help, he wouldn't let me leave the bathroom. I lay on the bathroom floor, praying for God to help me. He laughed at me and told me, "there is no God."
Through the past few months, I have striven to do all of the research and reading that I can about domestic violence so that I can start the process to healing. In my research I've found that there are typically four stages.
1. Charm
In the beginning of my relationship, everything seemed great. I felt extremely loved and doted on. I felt like I was a queen. Sure, we bickered, and I could sense that he was headstrong, but it was nothing that I was concerned about because he love bombed me to no end. I was convinced that I was smart, funny, and that I was the best thing to ever happen to him. He boosted my ego. Then, he tore it down.
2. Isolate
I moved away from my friends and family. I quit my job that I loved. I left everything behind to be with him because I thought that marriage meant sacrifice. Little did I know that this was not only a way to trap me physically, but financially and psychologically as well.
3. Threaten
It didn't take long after moving in with him before he was introducing the threat of violence. He got a gun and convinced me that it was for "protection," but, really, it was a message for me. He carried it on him nearly at all times. It made me uncomfortable, to say the least. I would ask him to leave it at home and he would insist on bringing it with him.
The first physical attack was three months after we had gotten married. I was visiting him in Japan for Christmas. We were running late getting back to the base by curfew because he had accidentally put us on the wrong train. We were running back to base and I ran too fast or too far ahead of him and he punched me in the middle of the street. I was stunned. When he got back to the hotel and I tried to get help, he wouldn't let me leave the bathroom. I lay on the bathroom floor, praying for God to help me. He laughed at me and told me, "there is no God."
4. Kill her
I realized that the man that I loved was going to kill me if I let him.Why did I stay?
This is the absolute worst question that you could ask a domestic violence survivor. This translates directly to "It's your fault." It has taken me a long time (and I still struggle) to overcome the immense amount of guilt that I felt after leaving him.
In a nutshell, the reason that I stayed is because I didn't know that I was being abused. Even though he'd punch me in the back when I least expected it. Even though he'd threaten to kill our cat and beat our dogs. Even though he'd choke me when I spoke up for myself. Even though he'd break and destroy things I cared about. Even though he'd drive recklessly to instill fear in me. Even though he punched me in the stomach for waking him up on Christmas morning. Even though he'd wake me up in the middle of the night, demanding my phone password. Even though he'd manipulate me into believing that he'd change.
I thought that I was a good, strong woman in love with a deeply troubled man. I thought that it was my duty to help him because I made a vow. Then, the guilt would set in. How could I leave him when he needed me?
I don't know how I got out, but I did.
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